The Forbidden Topics Part 2

It’s been a while hasn’t it?

I have plenty of excuses for not blogging, but let’s skip those, okay?

Today we’ll be discussing selfishness.  Don’t cringe.  Selfishness is not a bad word.  In fact, I’d argue that selfishness is a key part of maintaining a successful relationship.

Today I was wondering:  What’s the deal with “bad boys?”  It seems that some women have a habit of falling for the bad boys, and the nice guys are forever feeling left out.  But those bad boys are usually jerks, right?  So what’s the frackin’ attraction, hm?  Do nice guys have…or even deserve a chance?

Here’s my take:

Bad boys maintain a firm hold on their individuality and masculinity, flatly refusing to give it up.  Nice guys are more willing to become a door-mat if it means that they will not be alone.  They tend to tone down their masculinity so women won’t find them a threat, not that they’d know how to be a threat even if they wanted to be.   So what’s the deal?  Why are more women willing to be hurt by a bad boy than pick the nice guy?

I’ve figured it out.  Ready?  Here it is:  Women want someone who is a bit selfish.

Selfish? Most likely. But how much?

The typical bad boys are plenty selfish, right?  So why don’t those relationships work out?  And why do women who already have nice, non-selfish guys, end up dumping them for a bad boy (and then end up dumping the bad boys too)?

Well, put simply, it’s all about levels of selfishness. Women are Goldilocks when it comes to selfishness (and guys should be too).  We don’t want someone who is too selfish, or not selfish enough, we want a guy who is somewhere in the middle.  The guy who is just right.

Selfish, but not irritatingly so.

I feel like a goober for having just written that, but it’s accurate.  Moving on.

You see, we all want a relationship with someone who cares about their health, their physique, their dress.  Someone who takes pride in their education and ability.  Someone who strives for something. Drive is sexy and highly attractive.  And, in order to care about those things, that someone must be a little selfish about them.

Those bad boys with their cocky attitudes are selfish enough to care about and show passion for something.  They might be competitive, which exhibits selfishness plus confidence, so that lures in many an interested lady.  The problems arise when the level of selfishness exceeds what is necessary to maintain those things.  Too much selfishness is a bad thing.  Too much selfishness means that they lack the ability to consider things and people outside of their own circle of interest.  In short, they can’t multitask.

So off we go to date a “nice guy.”  And we find that we become bored with the nice guy…because he’s just not selfish enough!  Sure, it’s amazing in the beginning to have a guy who lavishes us with attention to the point of self deprecation, but it gets old fast.  He doesn’t pay enough attention to himself, his goals, or his own ego, and many women become bored.  They feel the need to improve him, to train him to be more selfish; because not enough selfishness is also a bad thing.

Replace "bad" with "selfish."

Being in a relationship is not about taking two people and mooshing them into one freaky-in-love superhuman.  When one person in the relationship is putty in the others hands, the respect for individual personalities, which initially forged the attraction, is compromised.  Selfishness ensures that individual personalities are maintained, and respect for that individuality is key to relationship success.

So, dear readers, I’ve missed your thoughts and opinions.  What do you think?  Where do you want your relationship on the spectrum of selfishness…and why?


About DrPretzel

Student of philosophy and medicine, mother of 2 Creatures of Mass Destruction (a.k.a. "boys"), Soldier, sister, daughter, friend, cat person, social inept, INTJ, blah, blah, blah...are you even reading this?
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to The Forbidden Topics Part 2

  1. Guy says:

    The way I see this is that a self is more attractive than a non -self. A healthy sense of self is where a person knows themselves -their own strengths and weaknesses… is connected to people -but not overly connected…they have their own goals and thoughts and drives yet doesnt have to be mean, rude or ugly to define or explain them is sentitive to others yet is true to one’s own convictions.

    I think that to describe bad boys and nice guys are 2 sides of the same coin. I can be nice and be steam rolled or I can be a bad boy and steam roll either way it is not a healthy sense of self. It is in the middle where a healthy sense of self is defined. ..which is truely attractive and to describe a true quality healthy (mentally-emotionally) man-neither of these fits the bill.

    Bad boys and good boys as described there is brokeness at the root level. (I believe that we all have a level of brokeness and we display it in differet forms and fashions.) The goal is to find healing (true strength to look inward ) and to live that out…is truely attractive.

    • DrPretzel says:

      I think you just made my point more eloquently than I was able. The sterotypical “bad boys” that attract women are not insecure with who they are…they don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of them. The “nice guys” are the opposite end of the spectrum…they roll over too easily and don’t understand why the world doesn’t cowtow to their emotional outbursts.

      The bad boy is too offensive, and the nice guy is too much the victim. In reality, as I previously stated, relationships are built on a Goldilocks “just right” blend of self assuredness and emotional understanding.

      Regardless, I think we’re in agreement here…and just stating it differently.

  2. Brian Gillum says:

    I’m in too fine a mood…so I’m just going to grab ya bend you over kiss You and since I’m not a total ass stand you back up. I may get slapped but it will be worth it.

    May you find that bad boy that wont hurt you too bad too often.

  3. K. Syrah says:

    Nice guys don’t deserve a chance with me because I’m not a nice girl – I would completely run that nice guy into the ground, and beat him to a bloody pulp. I’m a female ‘bad boy’, and i need someone who can be hard. I need someone who can give some back, and stand up to me, and deal with my passionate, violent, extreme and explosive tendencies. No “nice guy” will ever be able to do that.

    So I pick guys who are like me, not nice, lawfully good, but selfish, confident, and goal oriented (a selfish trait). If that bad boy has earned their confidence… I see nothing wrong with that.

    • Brian Gillum says:

      Prejudged by a label that explains nothing about the actual Man underlying the label. Of course, we do the same with Bad Boy, but generally, Bad Boys have done something at some point in their lives that at least warrants the “BAD” moniker.

      You’ve heard the phrase, “A lady on the street and a freak in bed.”, right? Well, the vast majority of Nice Guys are “Gentleman in public, but “Bad” behind closed doors.” And while they generally conform to the norms of society, they are willing to push th bounds, not only behind closed doors, but in public, if the temptation is worth the while. This isn’t being a doormat, b giving in to someone to try something completely different, but is an exploration of the boundaries.

      SO, while you blow off a Nice Guy simply because you think he can’t handle it, you may very well be missing the best damn thing ever, because you won’t give him the chance to prove it. Personally, I crave someone who is not totally prim and proper, and who is much the more extroverted and a bit edgy, to draw out the wild side of me, that I knowingly and willingly keep from view most of the time. Of course that is just my not so humble opinion. Believe me, being labeled a Nice Guy stinks, because it automatically curses you to a role that you damn sure don’t want to be relegated to forever – The Friend Zone.

      • drpretzel says:

        Well, that’s only somewhat accurate…because I don’t put a guy in one role or the other until I’ve gotten to know him better. Some seemingly nice guys will reel ya in with their niceness…and then you’ll find out that they are super conceited douchebags.

      • Brian Gillum says:

        I will grant you that. But the deceiver doesn’t even qualify as a bad buy. They are manipulators, users and abusers looking for prey. No matter how difficult it may be because of emotional investment already made…kick That asshole to the curb, quickly!

      • K. Syrah says:

        Why would I want a nice guy in public, but an ass behind doors? Why should a woman feel the need to ‘draw the wild side’ out of a guy?

        No offense, but I want a guy who’s LIKE ME. The man you described; gentleman on the street… needs to be drawn out by a manic pixie dream girl… that’s just sad, and not the relationship that I would ever consider. EVER.

        I’m no one’s “Along Came Polly”.

        If a guy is inconsistent like that, they’re not worth my time. Who I am in public is very similar to who I am in private (except in private, it’s less tempered) so why would I want someone who feels like they’re putting on a facade? I’m confident enough to be a “what you see, is what you get” type of person, why isn’t he?

        Your comment just furthered my point.

  4. Brian Gillum says:

    Hopefully I won’t get halfway through my reply and have it get dumped this time (not blaming you Dr P).

    In regards the definition of selfish/selfishness, I agree with you. It has been relegated to wearing the negative mantle definition (as so have so many other words that have good usages). But what is wrong with being selfish, when it comes to meaning taking care of one’s own wants/needs. Sure, if ONLY you are concerned with yourself and no other in obtaining what you desire, then you are assuredly on the evil side of the definition. But when it comes to basic needs, to survival, to truly maintaining ones health and sanity, isn’t it sometimes necessary to ensure that those needs are met, before you can even begin to take care of someone else? Is it selfish that you are told to put YOUR air mask on first, should a plane lose cabin pressure before assisting someone else? Are firefighters selfish for wearing their oxygen masks and only sharing a little bit of that oxygen (if they share at all) while rescuing someone? Are lifeguards selfish for pushing off of a combative swimmer, when the potential is for two drowning victims instead of one? So, while it may not be as extreme and emergent in issue as those noted above, is it truly a bad thing when a person says, “NO, I need time/space/some other tangible or intangible thing, before I can deal with you/your issue(s).” Absolutely not. If we are unable to care for ourselves, how can we expect of ourselves, let alone have expected of us, taking care of another/others?

    Now, as for the Nice Guy thing. Because I am a romantic, does not mean I am milquetoast. Because I have manners, does not mean I am weak or wimpy. Because I can and do have a tendency to put others in front of me, especially family, friends and others whom I love, does not mean that I am incapable of standing up for myself, nor refusing to be taken advantage of. Granted, I may let this go on for a short period of time (see the above in regards to being individually selfish – obviously if I am going to be selfish unto myself, then I must allow my significant other or those whom I claim as friends to have their selfish time also). But when the debits from my heart and soul given to another become far greater than the credits received (if any credit is even given back), then it is time to say Ciao, sayanora, areviderci, adios, adieu, and get the hell out.

    So while I may indeed be the inspriation for the schlub at the top and not Dr Stud-Muffin, don’t confuzzle that with not being a Man who isn’t capable of not only standing up for himself, but being the more stronger, because I will stand up for others as well.

    Selfish scale – 1 to 10, with one being totally selfless and 10 being utterly selfish, I’ll fluctuate between 4 and 6, with 6 being more the norm, and occasional trips towards the polar ends. And I’d like to find the same (with luck one whom will fluctuate the opposite of me more often than not).

    Bad boys may indeed be intriguing, but notice that part of that title includes the word BOY. With a nice guy, you get someone who is at least a little bit more mature. Door-mats are just that. something to be used and disregarded. You aren’t a boy, you aren’t a guy and you surely aren’t a man.

Say Something...You Know You Want To...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s